Stuck On Yellow

Do I stay when its red or go when its green?
I dont know what to do. Leaving would be the best and worst thing for me. I need courage, or a really good friend to just tell me what to do.

I'm flipping a coin.

djm.

Forever changed.

This is life changing.
I'm crying.
Obama '08

djm

The World Spins Madly On..

Do you ever get that feeling that when you leave someplace or someone that they somehow freeze in time and start again when you return? Me too. I never knew the world still continued to turn after I left. I suppose that’s very self centered, but I truly didn’t.

Things change, trees grow, parents age, and people die. There is so much more to life outside your own little reality, and I realized how blind I really was about that.

I went home a few weeks ago and found Greene to be the same as normal. Small and filled with even smaller minded people. Not having the best high school experience, I tend to either fill my schedule with slave work at American Eagle, hanging out with Leah, hitting up the downtown of Bingo, or inside with the family. Dealing with the bullshit I had to deal with for 18 years of my life doesn’t really make me want to rejoin the bubble that once surrounded me.

I had my mind set, get there, stay for a while, grab my stuff, and leave, not looking back as that welcome sign grew smaller and smaller. But then I got a phone call. It was Paige asking where I was. I told her at my house and she then demanded me to come to the last home football game at my old high school. My heart stopped, and my hands shook. If I left my comfort zone, my house, all the judging and rumors would resurface, and I would be left standing in the middle, like the helpless 12-year-old that once walked the Greene Central School hallways (now don't consider me anti-social or a loner, but I had allot of people be nice to me in high school one minute and then say the meanest and rudest things to me ever. When I was announced Homecoming King, students actually booed me and yelled faggot, embarrassing story indeed, but that’s another entry). I took a deep breath and thought, people have changed, they had to. I grabbed my coat and ventured off to what seemed to me, my death sentence.

When I arrived things look and seemed like they have never changed. The screaming of the dedicated parents supporting their child by wearing a jersey with their number on it, the smell of boiled hot dogs, and different clicks of people gathered off in different corners pointing and laughing at anyone that walked by. I saw Monica and Paige and felt a lot better. I hadn’t seen these two in so long and boy it was good. It was amazing seeing and hearing what amazing beautiful women they have become, and I just hope they know how truly proud I am of them.

They told me to come with them and see everyone else that was there. I went, with false confidence, but hoping it looked like I had all my shit together. As I rounded the corner, there they were, the class of 2007, just the way I left them. Immediately the air was colder, and I knew this was a bad idea.

I got into the circle and greeted everyone with a smile and a friendly comment (my mom always did tell me to keep my head up and never assume something was going to be bad). I could tell they had a thousand questions to ask me, but didn’t because it’s easier to assume. I’ve changed completely when I went away to school. I learned how to be myself. I learned how to breathe. I learned how to live. But I could read their minds. "He lost 75 lbs, he must be bulimic or something." "I heard he’s gay." "Faggot."

I quickly changed the topic and asked about school for everyone, and found it really funny when I was told pretty much everyone was transferring to Cortland, where they were all rooming with each other, or past grads of GCS. Then they started naming off people or news they heard from facebook and it literally made me sick. Did these people have nothing better to do than degrade others? Can they really not stop the gossip?

Out of the corner of my eye I saw three guys standing watching the football. These kids were nothing to me. In fact at one point in my life I hated them, all of them. But they saw me looking and instead of them making up some rumor about me being gay and checking them out, I decided to say hi. I approached them with a smile and greeted them. One out of the three turned and said hi to me, the others continued to watch the game with their backs to me. One turned and asked me about my converse shoes, (because there was nothing else they could ask me, fucking assholes) and cut me off before I could even finish my response. I got it; I wasn’t wanted, at all. These tools, these fucks, these assholes. They spent their whole life having people laugh at their bad jokes, being benched at college sports, and degrading those lower than them. They would always band together and try to bring everyone down, no matter what they did. Their parents do the same. It’s sad really if you think about it, I mean, it’s just generation after generation of people never getting out of Greene. People never experiencing the world. People never knowing that the world spins even if they aren’t there. I wasn’t surprised I was the only person not invited to their bowling party after the game. Story of my life.

I left the football game, feeling like I did everyday at GCS. On the drive back to school my mom informed me about some gossip she had heard at the football game. Parent after parent came up to her asking if I was ok. "He looks so unhealthy and sick. He probably doesn’t even eat. I bet it the gay lifestyle he chose." Wooooooooow. And the sad thing is, this is a direct quote from my kindergarten teacher, what a great lady don't you think? Mrs. J<3

Then more and more news came pouring to me from Monica and Erin. Their parents were approached or over heard others commenting on my weight and my sexuality. The good old D family, who carries themselves as the elite among elite in Greene, really put the icing on the cake. "I bet he has aids."

It’s so sad. Just completely sad. I feel like I constantly get overlooked for everything I do, because I cannot succeed. These people get their pleasure at seeing someone fail, and for a parent to, wow... you really should have that title.

When do these people stop? When do these people realize we are different and it’s OKAY? Jesus.

I have yet to find my spot. The one spot unto which I fit. It's not Greene, and defiantly not at Bonaventure, a place not even a step up from Greene. Barely with my friends or with the gay crowd. I just want a spot, a spot for me. A place, a safe haven, where I can be me, completely me, and embraced every minute of it. Wishful thinking huh? Until then, let the world spin madly on.


I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

If you read all of this, I love you.

That's my story,and I'm sticking to it.
djm