Dj118 (2:57:56 PM): i need somoene who gets me
nlua (2:58:17 PM): come here. :]
Dj118 (2:58:40 PM): i love you.
♥
Sunday, December 21, 2008
page master
Dj118 (2:57:56 PM): i need somoene who gets me
nlua (2:58:17 PM): come here. :]
Dj118 (2:58:40 PM): i love you.
♥
Monday, December 8, 2008
response.
Just to follow up on my last post-
Please know that this letter is to all those out there with no voice.
It’s about all those people who would rather close their eyes and blind themselves to the reality of whom they really are, rather than embrace themselves.
To the boy sitting in his room writing his goodbye letter, or the girl hiding under her covers not wanting to be seen. To everyone who feels alone and misheveled by society.
Everyone needs to know they are loved, truly loved.
♥
Please know that this letter is to all those out there with no voice.
It’s about all those people who would rather close their eyes and blind themselves to the reality of whom they really are, rather than embrace themselves.
To the boy sitting in his room writing his goodbye letter, or the girl hiding under her covers not wanting to be seen. To everyone who feels alone and misheveled by society.
Everyone needs to know they are loved, truly loved.
♥
A letter to a broken soul.
To whom it may concern:
"You were the brightest angel
heaven had ever seen
you walked in with a story to tell and ten thousand tongues to scream and you said
doesn't your heart beat the same as mine
haven't I told you a thousand times
isn't the air in my lungs the same air you breathe"
I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I love you. I love everything about you. You need to hear this much more than anyone else right now and I will be the first person to say it. You need to know that there is someone out there that loves every aspect of you. Please know.
The depression is strong and your conscience is like an annoying fly not going away. I know what it’s like, I know how you feel. Constantly being watched under a magnifying glass, you can never open your arms and show the wings you posses. The wings filled with color and strength, the wings that are still hidden to the world.
Stop. Stop doubting, stop hating, and stop convincing yourself otherwise. You are you and that is beautiful. In a world filled with big cities, and even bigger mountains you’d think people would open their minds and their hearts and understand but we can't ask for a miracle, all we can ask for is tomorrow.
"so who cares whose arms I'm all wrapped up in
who cares whoes eyes I see myself in
who cares who I dream of
who cares who I love."
Quickly sinking and slowly suffocating from the quicksand surrounding you, know you’re not alone. Know there are others out there like you, sinking, fading. It’s not worth it, believe me, it's never worth it.
At a young age I’ve experienced walking across the shattered glass we call society, and it's almost impossible to come out uncut. Numerous times I would lie in my bed wishing that the next morning I would wake up in a different room, a different place, a different person, or not at all. I hated me, I hated all of me. I saw myself as a glitch, a science experiment gone wrong, and I wanted nothing more than to sink into the ground and become like everyone else, a nobody. I tried it, I tried it more than once, and I couldn’t do it, something told me to hold on. I didn’t want it, I don’t want it, please take it away. But the more I begged to be conformed into something I wasn't the more it ate away at my brain. Always there, always growing, always convincing, we can’t run, we are too paralyzed to move.
"Heaven help me for I am lost
what a price my love did cost
but here I am standing strong and I am free
and didn't we share the same sunrise and sleep in the same moonlight
isn't the blood in my veins the same blood you bleed?"
Believe me when I say I have tried to escape, but I never got away. I would convince myself otherwise and distract reality. Afraid of pain of any sort, I was limited so I was forced to face my daemon. And you should too.
No matter how many times you cut, no matter how many times you cry, no matter how many pills you take, it will never go away. It is you, all of you, and no matter what you think, you must embrace it if you want to feel the crisp taste of air again.
Just do it. Say it. Scream it, even if no one is in the room. Take that step off the cliff, and see where you land. If anything I hope you know there will be at least one person there to catch you.
Focus, focus hard and dig to the core of your being. Strip yourself of everything and concentrate on your soul. See it. Touch it. Embrace it. It is you, it is all of you, and it is not going anywhere. You are meant to be this way, you’re beautiful.
"when I die
and they lay my body down
the peace that I will find is the peace that brings you all around
doesn't my mother cry like everyone
my father grieve for his lonely son
isn't my rainbow a little brighter?"
So please but down the razor blades, untie the rope. Empty the pill bottle and stop drinking. Realize that it is not worth it. Love yourself for who you are because the flaws you may see, are some of the most enchanting beautiful things in my eyes. Hold out your hand and feel my embrace. I'm not going anywhere I promise.
"so who cares whose arms I'm all wrapped up in
who cares whose eyes I see myself in
who cares who I dream of
no it doesn't matter who I dream of
'cause in the end it only matters that I was loved and am loved."
I love you.
djm.
"love has no face."
"You were the brightest angel
heaven had ever seen
you walked in with a story to tell and ten thousand tongues to scream and you said
doesn't your heart beat the same as mine
haven't I told you a thousand times
isn't the air in my lungs the same air you breathe"
I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I love you. I love everything about you. You need to hear this much more than anyone else right now and I will be the first person to say it. You need to know that there is someone out there that loves every aspect of you. Please know.
The depression is strong and your conscience is like an annoying fly not going away. I know what it’s like, I know how you feel. Constantly being watched under a magnifying glass, you can never open your arms and show the wings you posses. The wings filled with color and strength, the wings that are still hidden to the world.
Stop. Stop doubting, stop hating, and stop convincing yourself otherwise. You are you and that is beautiful. In a world filled with big cities, and even bigger mountains you’d think people would open their minds and their hearts and understand but we can't ask for a miracle, all we can ask for is tomorrow.
"so who cares whose arms I'm all wrapped up in
who cares whoes eyes I see myself in
who cares who I dream of
who cares who I love."
Quickly sinking and slowly suffocating from the quicksand surrounding you, know you’re not alone. Know there are others out there like you, sinking, fading. It’s not worth it, believe me, it's never worth it.
At a young age I’ve experienced walking across the shattered glass we call society, and it's almost impossible to come out uncut. Numerous times I would lie in my bed wishing that the next morning I would wake up in a different room, a different place, a different person, or not at all. I hated me, I hated all of me. I saw myself as a glitch, a science experiment gone wrong, and I wanted nothing more than to sink into the ground and become like everyone else, a nobody. I tried it, I tried it more than once, and I couldn’t do it, something told me to hold on. I didn’t want it, I don’t want it, please take it away. But the more I begged to be conformed into something I wasn't the more it ate away at my brain. Always there, always growing, always convincing, we can’t run, we are too paralyzed to move.
"Heaven help me for I am lost
what a price my love did cost
but here I am standing strong and I am free
and didn't we share the same sunrise and sleep in the same moonlight
isn't the blood in my veins the same blood you bleed?"
Believe me when I say I have tried to escape, but I never got away. I would convince myself otherwise and distract reality. Afraid of pain of any sort, I was limited so I was forced to face my daemon. And you should too.
No matter how many times you cut, no matter how many times you cry, no matter how many pills you take, it will never go away. It is you, all of you, and no matter what you think, you must embrace it if you want to feel the crisp taste of air again.
Just do it. Say it. Scream it, even if no one is in the room. Take that step off the cliff, and see where you land. If anything I hope you know there will be at least one person there to catch you.
Focus, focus hard and dig to the core of your being. Strip yourself of everything and concentrate on your soul. See it. Touch it. Embrace it. It is you, it is all of you, and it is not going anywhere. You are meant to be this way, you’re beautiful.
"when I die
and they lay my body down
the peace that I will find is the peace that brings you all around
doesn't my mother cry like everyone
my father grieve for his lonely son
isn't my rainbow a little brighter?"
So please but down the razor blades, untie the rope. Empty the pill bottle and stop drinking. Realize that it is not worth it. Love yourself for who you are because the flaws you may see, are some of the most enchanting beautiful things in my eyes. Hold out your hand and feel my embrace. I'm not going anywhere I promise.
"so who cares whose arms I'm all wrapped up in
who cares whose eyes I see myself in
who cares who I dream of
no it doesn't matter who I dream of
'cause in the end it only matters that I was loved and am loved."
I love you.
djm.
"love has no face."
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Stuck On Yellow
Do I stay when its red or go when its green?
I dont know what to do. Leaving would be the best and worst thing for me. I need courage, or a really good friend to just tell me what to do.
I'm flipping a coin.
djm.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
The World Spins Madly On..
Do you ever get that feeling that when you leave someplace or someone that they somehow freeze in time and start again when you return? Me too. I never knew the world still continued to turn after I left. I suppose that’s very self centered, but I truly didn’t.
Things change, trees grow, parents age, and people die. There is so much more to life outside your own little reality, and I realized how blind I really was about that.
I went home a few weeks ago and found Greene to be the same as normal. Small and filled with even smaller minded people. Not having the best high school experience, I tend to either fill my schedule with slave work at American Eagle, hanging out with Leah, hitting up the downtown of Bingo, or inside with the family. Dealing with the bullshit I had to deal with for 18 years of my life doesn’t really make me want to rejoin the bubble that once surrounded me.
I had my mind set, get there, stay for a while, grab my stuff, and leave, not looking back as that welcome sign grew smaller and smaller. But then I got a phone call. It was Paige asking where I was. I told her at my house and she then demanded me to come to the last home football game at my old high school. My heart stopped, and my hands shook. If I left my comfort zone, my house, all the judging and rumors would resurface, and I would be left standing in the middle, like the helpless 12-year-old that once walked the Greene Central School hallways (now don't consider me anti-social or a loner, but I had allot of people be nice to me in high school one minute and then say the meanest and rudest things to me ever. When I was announced Homecoming King, students actually booed me and yelled faggot, embarrassing story indeed, but that’s another entry). I took a deep breath and thought, people have changed, they had to. I grabbed my coat and ventured off to what seemed to me, my death sentence.
When I arrived things look and seemed like they have never changed. The screaming of the dedicated parents supporting their child by wearing a jersey with their number on it, the smell of boiled hot dogs, and different clicks of people gathered off in different corners pointing and laughing at anyone that walked by. I saw Monica and Paige and felt a lot better. I hadn’t seen these two in so long and boy it was good. It was amazing seeing and hearing what amazing beautiful women they have become, and I just hope they know how truly proud I am of them.
They told me to come with them and see everyone else that was there. I went, with false confidence, but hoping it looked like I had all my shit together. As I rounded the corner, there they were, the class of 2007, just the way I left them. Immediately the air was colder, and I knew this was a bad idea.
I got into the circle and greeted everyone with a smile and a friendly comment (my mom always did tell me to keep my head up and never assume something was going to be bad). I could tell they had a thousand questions to ask me, but didn’t because it’s easier to assume. I’ve changed completely when I went away to school. I learned how to be myself. I learned how to breathe. I learned how to live. But I could read their minds. "He lost 75 lbs, he must be bulimic or something." "I heard he’s gay." "Faggot."
I quickly changed the topic and asked about school for everyone, and found it really funny when I was told pretty much everyone was transferring to Cortland, where they were all rooming with each other, or past grads of GCS. Then they started naming off people or news they heard from facebook and it literally made me sick. Did these people have nothing better to do than degrade others? Can they really not stop the gossip?
Out of the corner of my eye I saw three guys standing watching the football. These kids were nothing to me. In fact at one point in my life I hated them, all of them. But they saw me looking and instead of them making up some rumor about me being gay and checking them out, I decided to say hi. I approached them with a smile and greeted them. One out of the three turned and said hi to me, the others continued to watch the game with their backs to me. One turned and asked me about my converse shoes, (because there was nothing else they could ask me, fucking assholes) and cut me off before I could even finish my response. I got it; I wasn’t wanted, at all. These tools, these fucks, these assholes. They spent their whole life having people laugh at their bad jokes, being benched at college sports, and degrading those lower than them. They would always band together and try to bring everyone down, no matter what they did. Their parents do the same. It’s sad really if you think about it, I mean, it’s just generation after generation of people never getting out of Greene. People never experiencing the world. People never knowing that the world spins even if they aren’t there. I wasn’t surprised I was the only person not invited to their bowling party after the game. Story of my life.
I left the football game, feeling like I did everyday at GCS. On the drive back to school my mom informed me about some gossip she had heard at the football game. Parent after parent came up to her asking if I was ok. "He looks so unhealthy and sick. He probably doesn’t even eat. I bet it the gay lifestyle he chose." Wooooooooow. And the sad thing is, this is a direct quote from my kindergarten teacher, what a great lady don't you think? Mrs. J<3
Then more and more news came pouring to me from Monica and Erin. Their parents were approached or over heard others commenting on my weight and my sexuality. The good old D family, who carries themselves as the elite among elite in Greene, really put the icing on the cake. "I bet he has aids."
It’s so sad. Just completely sad. I feel like I constantly get overlooked for everything I do, because I cannot succeed. These people get their pleasure at seeing someone fail, and for a parent to, wow... you really should have that title.
When do these people stop? When do these people realize we are different and it’s OKAY? Jesus.
I have yet to find my spot. The one spot unto which I fit. It's not Greene, and defiantly not at Bonaventure, a place not even a step up from Greene. Barely with my friends or with the gay crowd. I just want a spot, a spot for me. A place, a safe haven, where I can be me, completely me, and embraced every minute of it. Wishful thinking huh? Until then, let the world spin madly on.
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
If you read all of this, I love you.
That's my story,and I'm sticking to it.
djm
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
baby falling from your mouth.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_CrRo33q9k
I cried.
I'm crying.
Changed my life.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm
I cried.
I'm crying.
Changed my life.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm
Or are we ashes and wine?
So I am sitting here on my floor and I can’t stop talking to myself about last night. Fuck. I never really knew how real this was until last night.
My hands are still shaking as I write this right now. I’m scared. I’ve been told that the hardest thing and the right thing are the same, but I mean.. I’m just 19. You’re just 19. What are we supposed to really know about life? When do we draw the line in the sand and finally ask for help. One thing I do know, is I don’t want to lose the one thing that means the most to me, LAK.
You have held my hand, smiled when I cried, and laughed when I drunkenly danced to the Pussy Cat Dolls. Know god please know how much I love you and how much you mean to me.
Keep holding on. Don’t do what I have done. Don’t be me. Flirting with life isn’t worth it. When its gone, it’s gone. The trees, the air, your family, everything sealed up like a shrine, and you are nothing but a memory.
Someone once told me to always look up and no matter what happens the drowning will stop, and you will learn how to swim again. I’ve been there. I understand. Your lungs are caving in. Your heart has nothing left to give. You’re shrinking, you’re failing, you’re dying.
Fear is only fear if you let if happen, so don’t you dare let go of my hand. We can get through this, all you need to do is just keep holding. I’m not going anywhere. You and me, me and you, everyday always.
I love you best friend.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm
My hands are still shaking as I write this right now. I’m scared. I’ve been told that the hardest thing and the right thing are the same, but I mean.. I’m just 19. You’re just 19. What are we supposed to really know about life? When do we draw the line in the sand and finally ask for help. One thing I do know, is I don’t want to lose the one thing that means the most to me, LAK.
You have held my hand, smiled when I cried, and laughed when I drunkenly danced to the Pussy Cat Dolls. Know god please know how much I love you and how much you mean to me.
Keep holding on. Don’t do what I have done. Don’t be me. Flirting with life isn’t worth it. When its gone, it’s gone. The trees, the air, your family, everything sealed up like a shrine, and you are nothing but a memory.
Someone once told me to always look up and no matter what happens the drowning will stop, and you will learn how to swim again. I’ve been there. I understand. Your lungs are caving in. Your heart has nothing left to give. You’re shrinking, you’re failing, you’re dying.
Fear is only fear if you let if happen, so don’t you dare let go of my hand. We can get through this, all you need to do is just keep holding. I’m not going anywhere. You and me, me and you, everyday always.
I love you best friend.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Well this blows.
Story of my life. Sorry it has taken me so long to write here.. I've been beyond busy and its hard for me to even find time to breath.
Alot of different things have happened to me though and i find it only fair for me to share them with all of you of course.. :]
Sooooo my first year of college is done! Crazy I know.
Its an understatement when someone says time flies by, because literally time got on a jet plane and peaced out leaving me breathless and confused. I'm an orientation leader now at Bonas and I love it. It gives me hope that everything is going to OK when i come back to school here in the fall (i really hope it does.. ).
Orientation probably couldn't have come at a better time in my life. Once again when i was back at home i was hit by the depression bug, and this time i was hit hard. There is nothing worse than feeling your life sucked out of you through one of those cheap straws that comes with Capri Suns. I constantly am comparing myself to others and really i dont neeed to. I was thinking about it the other day, and i must be soooooooooo annoying because i spend probably half of my day bashing myself to other people. If i were my freinds i would have given me the deuces and told me to kick gravel a looooooooong time ago. It seems once i have everything in place, its everything but balanced. moral of the story: Life blows.
However, all the kids that are on O-team and all the incoming freshman and giving me hope that things will get alot better, and they will, i'll make them :]
But bad news on the love front... I am now single. Now please everyone say it with me FUCK MY LIFE. <-- feels good feeling sorry for yourself huh? Well I think so anyways. Everything seemed so perfect, almost to the point where i would get nervous because if something did go wrong then i wouldnt be able to know what to do with myself, however, like Ponyboy once said in The Outsiders "Nothing gold can stay."
I hate this part... you know the awkward silence, the quiet tone, and the constant apologizing. Just stop. I'm a big kid, i understand when you fuck me over. But finding out through a text message, and with your ex? Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh. ding ding ding we've found a winner! I dont care what anyone says but you dont just "hang out " with an ex. Its impossible. So lets not play dumb and beat around the bush:
I lost.
Im lost.
But with you i thought things were different. I brought you home. You met my family. You hung out with my friends. You said I love you. If my life was a board game i probably just went bankrupt and lost all of my property, because i was truly played. I completely understand the whole "you can't help who you love" but thats whats hard... Because I love you.
So here i am sitting on my bottom bunk as my roommate snores peacefully. But before i want to say one more thing... peculiar. Yeah i know, that word is so inappropriate for any situation that i just wrote about but tis my life. One big ol pot of peculiar-ness. I wonder who stirs my pot though.. I hope there pretty. :]
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Alot of different things have happened to me though and i find it only fair for me to share them with all of you of course.. :]
Sooooo my first year of college is done! Crazy I know.
Its an understatement when someone says time flies by, because literally time got on a jet plane and peaced out leaving me breathless and confused. I'm an orientation leader now at Bonas and I love it. It gives me hope that everything is going to OK when i come back to school here in the fall (i really hope it does.. ).
Orientation probably couldn't have come at a better time in my life. Once again when i was back at home i was hit by the depression bug, and this time i was hit hard. There is nothing worse than feeling your life sucked out of you through one of those cheap straws that comes with Capri Suns. I constantly am comparing myself to others and really i dont neeed to. I was thinking about it the other day, and i must be soooooooooo annoying because i spend probably half of my day bashing myself to other people. If i were my freinds i would have given me the deuces and told me to kick gravel a looooooooong time ago. It seems once i have everything in place, its everything but balanced. moral of the story: Life blows.
However, all the kids that are on O-team and all the incoming freshman and giving me hope that things will get alot better, and they will, i'll make them :]
But bad news on the love front... I am now single. Now please everyone say it with me FUCK MY LIFE. <-- feels good feeling sorry for yourself huh? Well I think so anyways. Everything seemed so perfect, almost to the point where i would get nervous because if something did go wrong then i wouldnt be able to know what to do with myself, however, like Ponyboy once said in The Outsiders "Nothing gold can stay."
I hate this part... you know the awkward silence, the quiet tone, and the constant apologizing. Just stop. I'm a big kid, i understand when you fuck me over. But finding out through a text message, and with your ex? Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh. ding ding ding we've found a winner! I dont care what anyone says but you dont just "hang out " with an ex. Its impossible. So lets not play dumb and beat around the bush:
I lost.
Im lost.
But with you i thought things were different. I brought you home. You met my family. You hung out with my friends. You said I love you. If my life was a board game i probably just went bankrupt and lost all of my property, because i was truly played. I completely understand the whole "you can't help who you love" but thats whats hard... Because I love you.
So here i am sitting on my bottom bunk as my roommate snores peacefully. But before i want to say one more thing... peculiar. Yeah i know, that word is so inappropriate for any situation that i just wrote about but tis my life. One big ol pot of peculiar-ness. I wonder who stirs my pot though.. I hope there pretty. :]
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
"You're So Gay!"
So I was going through different things on my computer and i came acrossed an article i wrote on the gay community. Hope you like it!!!<3
A normal night at the University of Wyoming, Matthew Shepard, a homosexual student, went to the local gay bar where he enjoyed a drink. Not soon after arriving Matthew was approached by two men, Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson. Both of these men told Matthew they were gay and asked Matthew if he wanted to go get something to eat with them. Matthew, being known as a charismatic person that loved making new friends, kindly obliged and left with Aaron and Russell. However, Aaron and Russell had other plans for Matthew that night.
Aaron and Russell took Matthew to a remote area in Laramie, where they tied Matthew up and to a split-rail fence and committed the ultimate hate crime. Matthew was beaten to unconsciousness by Aaron and Russell because of his sexual preference. Matthew was found eighteen hours later by a pedestrian who mistook him for a scarecrow, and died in the hospital later that day due to dramatic head trauma.
The Matthew Shepard story took the world by surprise. Gay rights were never brought up by anyone, but what happened to Matthew Shepard forced everyone to look at homosexual discrimination for the first time. However, ten years later, there are still hate crimes and non
acceptance of gay men and women everywhere, especially to teenagers and young adults within their school environments.
A recent study done by Harvard University states that 55% of discrimination acts are towards people based on their sexual orientation; also, 13% of these acts were fatal. Leah Barden, a student at Broome Community College, was surprised by this statistic. “I always thought of discrimination to be a black and white thing, never based on sexual orientation. This just goes to show how blind our society really is,” Barden says.
Our society has experienced many different forms of discrimination; however, they all seem to get over looked by black and white discrimination. Like Barden stated, many people are surprised the find out that the leading form of discrimination is homosexual discrimination. This is because our media over looks all other forms of discrimination and concentrate on skin color. If someone was to say the word “Nigger” to a black person, it would be front page news, but the terms “Fag” “Dyke” or “You’re so gay” goes unrecognized and unpunished in our society. “It’s slang. We all say it. It’s like second nature to everyone,” Morgan Ribar, a student at St Bonaventure University, states. “It really is unfair if you think about it, but we never are really taught about gay people in school, when there are specific classes on black rights.”
Being a gay male at college, I have learned quickly that I am now a minority and get looked at differently in every aspect no matter where I am. I feel that I need to hide myself sometimes just so I get the same fair treatment from all of my fellow students and professors. Trust is a very hard thing for me and so is accepting myself.
I’ve known I was gay since the day I was born and contrary to popular belief; I did not choose this lifestyle and would not wish it on anyone. Society made me feel that being gay was a bad thing, so I struggled with who I was for a long time. I would go into deep depressions and randomly would shake and cry. In school, I felt isolated from my classmates and really hated myself. At one point, I almost turned to suicide to try and solve my problems. If being a teenager wasn’t hard enough, I was different from everyone else and it really killed me inside.
Finally, I couldn’t take the pain anymore and I came out to my friends and family. The day I came out was the first day I can truly say I lived. The simple things in life like washing my hands or waking up seemed so much more amazing than they had before. I could finally allow myself to feel things and not run away from my fears but face them head on.
Coming to college I thought everyone would be open minded about all forms of identity, however, things didn’t go as planned. My roommate and I started out as good friends but after a while things started to change. He grew very distant and didn’t say a word to me when we passed each other in the halls. After a few weeks of this going on, I went to confront him in our room. When I entered I found all of his things packed up in brown boxes and I immediately started to sweat. He shortly came into the room I asked him what was going on. He simply responded with “you’re gay” grabbed his box, and walked out the door. When I heard those simple two words, my stomach dropped to the floor and so did my heart. There I stood, in front of someone I thought was my friend, being discriminated against because of something as small as my sexual orientation.
I feel everyone needs to be more informed about homosexual discrimination because it is a serious topic that often gets over looked. The number one reason as to why teenagers are committing suicide is because of their problems with their sexual identity, and if you ask me, that is a big deal.
Will it take another gay person being found on a fence, and beaten to death to open the eyes of America? Towns, cities, schools, and universities need to take homosexual discrimination into serious account. Who knows, maybe the next Matthew Shepard will be your neighbor, student, friend, son, or daughter.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
A normal night at the University of Wyoming, Matthew Shepard, a homosexual student, went to the local gay bar where he enjoyed a drink. Not soon after arriving Matthew was approached by two men, Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson. Both of these men told Matthew they were gay and asked Matthew if he wanted to go get something to eat with them. Matthew, being known as a charismatic person that loved making new friends, kindly obliged and left with Aaron and Russell. However, Aaron and Russell had other plans for Matthew that night.
Aaron and Russell took Matthew to a remote area in Laramie, where they tied Matthew up and to a split-rail fence and committed the ultimate hate crime. Matthew was beaten to unconsciousness by Aaron and Russell because of his sexual preference. Matthew was found eighteen hours later by a pedestrian who mistook him for a scarecrow, and died in the hospital later that day due to dramatic head trauma.
The Matthew Shepard story took the world by surprise. Gay rights were never brought up by anyone, but what happened to Matthew Shepard forced everyone to look at homosexual discrimination for the first time. However, ten years later, there are still hate crimes and non
acceptance of gay men and women everywhere, especially to teenagers and young adults within their school environments.
A recent study done by Harvard University states that 55% of discrimination acts are towards people based on their sexual orientation; also, 13% of these acts were fatal. Leah Barden, a student at Broome Community College, was surprised by this statistic. “I always thought of discrimination to be a black and white thing, never based on sexual orientation. This just goes to show how blind our society really is,” Barden says.
Our society has experienced many different forms of discrimination; however, they all seem to get over looked by black and white discrimination. Like Barden stated, many people are surprised the find out that the leading form of discrimination is homosexual discrimination. This is because our media over looks all other forms of discrimination and concentrate on skin color. If someone was to say the word “Nigger” to a black person, it would be front page news, but the terms “Fag” “Dyke” or “You’re so gay” goes unrecognized and unpunished in our society. “It’s slang. We all say it. It’s like second nature to everyone,” Morgan Ribar, a student at St Bonaventure University, states. “It really is unfair if you think about it, but we never are really taught about gay people in school, when there are specific classes on black rights.”
Being a gay male at college, I have learned quickly that I am now a minority and get looked at differently in every aspect no matter where I am. I feel that I need to hide myself sometimes just so I get the same fair treatment from all of my fellow students and professors. Trust is a very hard thing for me and so is accepting myself.
I’ve known I was gay since the day I was born and contrary to popular belief; I did not choose this lifestyle and would not wish it on anyone. Society made me feel that being gay was a bad thing, so I struggled with who I was for a long time. I would go into deep depressions and randomly would shake and cry. In school, I felt isolated from my classmates and really hated myself. At one point, I almost turned to suicide to try and solve my problems. If being a teenager wasn’t hard enough, I was different from everyone else and it really killed me inside.
Finally, I couldn’t take the pain anymore and I came out to my friends and family. The day I came out was the first day I can truly say I lived. The simple things in life like washing my hands or waking up seemed so much more amazing than they had before. I could finally allow myself to feel things and not run away from my fears but face them head on.
Coming to college I thought everyone would be open minded about all forms of identity, however, things didn’t go as planned. My roommate and I started out as good friends but after a while things started to change. He grew very distant and didn’t say a word to me when we passed each other in the halls. After a few weeks of this going on, I went to confront him in our room. When I entered I found all of his things packed up in brown boxes and I immediately started to sweat. He shortly came into the room I asked him what was going on. He simply responded with “you’re gay” grabbed his box, and walked out the door. When I heard those simple two words, my stomach dropped to the floor and so did my heart. There I stood, in front of someone I thought was my friend, being discriminated against because of something as small as my sexual orientation.
I feel everyone needs to be more informed about homosexual discrimination because it is a serious topic that often gets over looked. The number one reason as to why teenagers are committing suicide is because of their problems with their sexual identity, and if you ask me, that is a big deal.
Will it take another gay person being found on a fence, and beaten to death to open the eyes of America? Towns, cities, schools, and universities need to take homosexual discrimination into serious account. Who knows, maybe the next Matthew Shepard will be your neighbor, student, friend, son, or daughter.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Im in love.
Kelly Clarkson sang for the pope yesterday. She is my idol and i am in love with her.
<3<3 i cried when watching this..
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
<3<3 i cried when watching this..
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
"You'll soon be a bag of bones!"
So far my weight loss count is 40 lbs!!!!!!
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
djm.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Stop Crying Your Heart Out
Have you ever heard that one song that just fits the exact way of how you are feeling? I do this game where i put my itunes on shuffle and just listen. So I was sitting in my room today and the song Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis came on and it was saying everything i was thinking.
"Get up (get up)
Come on (come on)
Why're you scared? (I'm not scared)
You'll never change
What's been and gone.."
Its a strange thing when stuff like this happens.. I mean it makes me feel like there is some big power in the universe that is making me see somehitng, and all i need to do is open my eyes.
So i guess to be fair, i should tell you all about why I'm feeling like this. aslkdfje... ok ok ok ok here i go...
So i did it.. I let my heart open and I feel in love. I allowed myself to break down the wall i built so strong because i felt like it was right. My god did i feel it was right. I was finally happy. I could feel. Everything was new, and i felt so refreshed. Holding his hand, kissing his cheek, or just staring into his eyes, everything seemed so perfect... But when things are perfect they have to go sour at some point I suppose.
I got the phone call everyone dreads, but i was not expecting it at all. "I need to focus on me right now and be alone.." was the response I got. It made me feel ok because I knew that everyone needed some time alone just to find themselves, but i was fed a line. Two days later I was given the gift of finding out that he was now in a new relationship.
I know this shouldnt be a big deal, but i cant help but think... was all of this fake? Were the things you said to me a lie? What did i do wrong? How can you have a change in heart so fast?
I know for a fact that the emotions i was told he was feeling arn't something that evaporate over night, so the whole thing turned into a big shady mess that resulted in a broken heart... and back to square one.
I feel like I have a curse. Nothing seems to go right when it comes to relationships with me, and I tell myself, " Drew, there are other fish in the sea." "Drew, you don't need that douchebag." but its so hard to say then to do.
its to hard to talk to him now. I dont want your braclet. I dont want your songs. I dont want your compliments. I dont want you promises. I dont want your sayings. I dont want your fortune cookies. I dont want your heart in my pocket. I dont want you.
I feel i was more in love with the fact of being in love than really loving the person. Did that make sense? God I hope so.
Maybe someday I'll find that person and everything will turn out ok... maybe. God I hope so.
I think to myself a lot if love is real. I mean our society is filled with divorce, vilolence, and hatred so where can the love fit into the mix. But then i look at my mom and dad. They have the most love i have ever seen two people share before in my life, and it really keeps me hanging on.
Someday I'll make it to that point... Someday. Until then, the wall is starting to build up again, and the only ones to climb over are the few people i hold dear to my heart.
"..Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out."
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Grandma Peg.. <3
So i recently just found out that my Grandma Peg is really sick.. ahhh i hate it when stuff like this happens. If she was to die, my family would fall apart. So as I was looking through my computer i found the essay i wrote on my Grandma Peg and it brought tears to my eyes. Here it is ...
The last leaf falls as I drive up Harrington road. My old Grand Am creeks from every bump I hit, and the trees that were once filled with millions of colors, are now bare and being taken over by the first signs of the winter season. As I start to venture deeper and deeper into the woods, I see a little house with a single stream of smoke coming from the chimney. I drive closer and closer and see a little old lady cooking in the window. As I pull into her drive way the smell of fresh apple pies fill my nose. I smile and think to myself, “Grandma Peg.”
If Greene ever had a celebrity, Grandma Peg would be it. Everyone knows her for her cooking, her farm, and her warm welcoming heart to anyone she meets. She is always helping at charity events, cooking amazing pies that make you mouth water just by the smell, and whistling some Frank Sinatra tune. Grandma Peg can be dressed in her finest Sunday clothing for church one moment and then applying war paint as she prepares for a paint ball war with my brothers the next. She is always on the sidelines watching soccer games, or in the audience applauding me at the final curtain of the school play.
Grandma Peg is the first person to help you when there is a problem. She is always there handing you the first tissue after you spill your hopes and dreams, and the first person to sneak you a homemade cookie still warm from the oven. Her hands are rough from her long days working on her farm or at The Corner Restaurant where she greeted everyone as if they were part of her own family.
Grandma Peg to me is the pure definition of love. She never once has been selfish or rude, and is always willing to give a hug to anyone in need. When things get rough and I find myself backed up against a wall, I can always count on Grandma Peg to be right behind me helping me up.
Last year I received the lead role in the Footlights production of Oliver. My dream had finally come true; I was the star of the show. I was ecstatic and probably ran all the way home that day with the biggest smile on my face. However, my high was soon simmered when I found out that both sets of my grandparents were going to be in Florida when Oliver was being performed. I felt like I was driving full speed and then hit a tree with no air bag to soften the blow. I was pissed. I called my Grandma Kay and PopPop begging them to stay for the show. After a tearful plea, they told me to “suck it up” and that it was “just a play, nothing that important anyway (they did come home last year though, for my Cousin Matt’s senior play).” I was backed up against the wall and felt myself getting more and more depressed. However, to my rescues was Grandma Peg. “Drewby, I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” she said with that sparkle in her eye. And sure thing, on opening night when the curtains were pulled back and I was standing in the center of the stage, there sat Grandma Peg, front row; with that same loving smile that can make the meanest man alive melt.
I feel that God sends angles down to earth to help you grow up, learn, and guide you through life. Grandma Peg is truly one of those angles. There is no word in any dictionary that can do justice to the love I have for Grandma Peg. She has changed my life in so many ways and has opened my eyes so wide, that it is impossible to ever shut them. She’s told me stories of the world and encouraged me to dream big and never get discouraged. Grandma Peg is not just my grandma but my friend, my role model, and my hero.
“Drewby! I was just thinking about you,” she says as she slips the first fresh cookie into my hand. Wearing her maroon sweater and smiling from ear to ear. “I love you Grandma,” I reply.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
The last leaf falls as I drive up Harrington road. My old Grand Am creeks from every bump I hit, and the trees that were once filled with millions of colors, are now bare and being taken over by the first signs of the winter season. As I start to venture deeper and deeper into the woods, I see a little house with a single stream of smoke coming from the chimney. I drive closer and closer and see a little old lady cooking in the window. As I pull into her drive way the smell of fresh apple pies fill my nose. I smile and think to myself, “Grandma Peg.”
If Greene ever had a celebrity, Grandma Peg would be it. Everyone knows her for her cooking, her farm, and her warm welcoming heart to anyone she meets. She is always helping at charity events, cooking amazing pies that make you mouth water just by the smell, and whistling some Frank Sinatra tune. Grandma Peg can be dressed in her finest Sunday clothing for church one moment and then applying war paint as she prepares for a paint ball war with my brothers the next. She is always on the sidelines watching soccer games, or in the audience applauding me at the final curtain of the school play.
Grandma Peg is the first person to help you when there is a problem. She is always there handing you the first tissue after you spill your hopes and dreams, and the first person to sneak you a homemade cookie still warm from the oven. Her hands are rough from her long days working on her farm or at The Corner Restaurant where she greeted everyone as if they were part of her own family.
Grandma Peg to me is the pure definition of love. She never once has been selfish or rude, and is always willing to give a hug to anyone in need. When things get rough and I find myself backed up against a wall, I can always count on Grandma Peg to be right behind me helping me up.
Last year I received the lead role in the Footlights production of Oliver. My dream had finally come true; I was the star of the show. I was ecstatic and probably ran all the way home that day with the biggest smile on my face. However, my high was soon simmered when I found out that both sets of my grandparents were going to be in Florida when Oliver was being performed. I felt like I was driving full speed and then hit a tree with no air bag to soften the blow. I was pissed. I called my Grandma Kay and PopPop begging them to stay for the show. After a tearful plea, they told me to “suck it up” and that it was “just a play, nothing that important anyway (they did come home last year though, for my Cousin Matt’s senior play).” I was backed up against the wall and felt myself getting more and more depressed. However, to my rescues was Grandma Peg. “Drewby, I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” she said with that sparkle in her eye. And sure thing, on opening night when the curtains were pulled back and I was standing in the center of the stage, there sat Grandma Peg, front row; with that same loving smile that can make the meanest man alive melt.
I feel that God sends angles down to earth to help you grow up, learn, and guide you through life. Grandma Peg is truly one of those angles. There is no word in any dictionary that can do justice to the love I have for Grandma Peg. She has changed my life in so many ways and has opened my eyes so wide, that it is impossible to ever shut them. She’s told me stories of the world and encouraged me to dream big and never get discouraged. Grandma Peg is not just my grandma but my friend, my role model, and my hero.
“Drewby! I was just thinking about you,” she says as she slips the first fresh cookie into my hand. Wearing her maroon sweater and smiling from ear to ear. “I love you Grandma,” I reply.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Color Blind
Have you ever noticed that everything truly does look better in black and white? I mean color is beautiful but once you take that away, you must truly rely on the beauty of the object. My next blog is going to be pretty deep and kind of depressing but I want your minds to be open. I want you to look deeper than the beauty on the outside, and strip it away to notice the true beauty.
Everyone deserves to be color blind.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
A note from Leah:
"you really are one of the best things thats ever happened to me. and i always feel bad that i dont tell you that enough but i hate when youre away and im good at detaching but not for long. and that blog really meant a lot..truly truly"
score!
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
score!
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Sunset Soon Forgotten
Have you ever seen those couples walking down the street and get sick to your stomach because of how annoying adorable they look together? Yeah well me too. Numerous times a couple has walked by me holding hands, whispering sweet nothings, and kissing after every word, and I feel the vomit start to rise in my throat. Why can't this be me? Honestly, do I have bad B.O. or a sign on my forehead that says STD?!!!?!?! Man, when life throws me lemons, I don't make any lemonade, but I pick up the strangely shaped fruit and throw it at the baby in the diaper with the bow and arrow.
The closest I have ever been to this feeling is when I met my best friend Leah. What a gem she is. Short bangs, braces, overalls, crooked glasses, and sponge sandals, one would think a gay man would never go near someone with the audacity to wear overalls, but I was drawn to her immediately.
Leah wasn't just any friend to me; she was the only one that truly got me. Coming from two very VERY different walks of life, we related on many different levels. Still do this day, I am finding different things I have in common with this guardian angel (if you only knew..:]).
She probably is the only person that can make me laugh, smile, cry, choke, dance, skip, hump, and lick with just one word. She’s a sister, a best friend, a hero.
Leah has gotten the shit end of the stick pretty much her whole life. I would think that losing my dog was the most traumatic thing to happen to me, just to find out Leah's brother was missing for 3 months, her father was in rehab...again, her mom ran away with an overweight pot head to Vernon, NY, and she lost her house in one of the many terrible floods that hit Greene. However, with all of these problems, Leah never was defeated. Surly she would break down and cry in my room numerous times, but she never allowed what was going on suffocate her. No matter how bad the storm was, or how big the waves, she would always seem to keep float.
I feel, and don't call me mushy or anything, that I love everything about this girl... I truly mean that.
Leah has been able to shoo away all of those annoying flies that have bothered her throughout the years, but it seems like one comes back, stronger and raring to fight... her father.
Marty Barden is a sorry excuse for a man. I take no sympathy on him and wish him nothing but the worst. One would think those are the worst things to say about a person, especially someone they barely know, but the thing is I don’t want to know him. I feel that being in the same room as him, or simply breathing the same air will make me so enraged I wouldn't be able to control myself. He single handedly has ruined Leah's life.
Always reaching out to her bipolar father, Leah would offer her love; a love you can't find and only wish you had, and would always find herself left outside in the cold. Numerous times she would call this man, write to him, and even drive to see him, and get no response. What a father. Mr. Barden never appreciated Leah and has uttered the three worst words in the world to his daughter "I hate you." He would use death as a play toy and dangle it in front of Leah's face. Telling Leah he was going to kill himself, hang up the phone fast and not call her back, leaving a little girl in tears hoping her father was still alive.
How do you call yourself a man? I may only be 19, and this maybe none of my business, but I have one thing to say to you Mr. Barden..Fuck you.
To you Leah is nothing but a sunset soon forgotten, but what you don't realize is that the buried treasure you have been looking for has always been right in front of your face. My parents have been more like parents to Leah than you will ever be and I hope you sleep every night regretting not getting to know this wonderful girl.
I just realized that I already have that thing those cute couples have. That thing that makes you smile. That thing that makes you cry. That thing that makes you you. I have Leah.
We may not be the "normal “couple because I just don't swing that way, but I that baby in the diaper struck me with his arrow the day I met Leah. So be jealous when you see us...puke a little in your mouth, but know were always going to be there right beside each other no matter what fruit life may throw at us.
I love you Leah.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Monday, February 11, 2008
always.
RIP Uncle Jack<3
May God hold you in his arms, and never let you go.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
May God hold you in his arms, and never let you go.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Greene.
I press my head against the cold window as the long ride carries on. Kelly Clarkson is blasting in my ears as I stare at the dull scenery passing me by. The ground freshly covered with white snow still shows the tips of the green grass underneath, hoping for spring to come a lot sooner than planned. A big green sign catches my eye, and after 3 hours, its reads "WELCOME TO GREENE" I am home.
It's a crazy thing, coming home from college. To the naked eye nothing has changed but emotionally everything is different.
As I pass my old high school that held so many of my memories I realize that I am nothing but a memory to GCS, and the Greene community in a whole. I immediately start to get flash backs about the football games (we never won.. but honestly, it was the best social experience around), Dances with your best friends, talent shows where a strange boy wrote a love letter to a beautiful Leah Rochelle, a stage that doesn't only hold dust but my heart, and a PT Cruiser that belonged to a very rotund gay man always dressed in the finest flamingo button up.
When I reach my street I see the big white house with the black shutters I call home. With eagerness I press my foot on the gas pedal and pull into the driveway. Without even thinking twice I bolt out of my car and into to arms of the prettiest girl in the world, Miss Claire Therese, and a feeling of comfort over comes my body; home is where the heart is.
As the greetings start to quiet from my large family, I venture up to my room where Kelly Clarkson once took over every inch of my walls. There is my bed, there is my TV, there is my dresser, but something didn't feel right. I quickly through my clothes on the floor, and then I felt better.
Dinner came next and the amazing smell of my mom’s cooking filled my senses. NO COLLEGE FOOD FOR THIS KID! It was good to sit down with the family again and talk about our days. I missed Evans laugh and Mom's whit. I missed Dad's bad jokes and Claire’s smile. I even missed Seamus, the dumbest dog in the universe.
Night time crept in and my bed started to call my name. As I lay down I gaze out my window at the stop light as I watch the cars drive by. Slowly I start to doze off; reminiscing about the amazing feeling this house gives me.
I realized that no matter how long you are away, how far you may go, or how often you call, the one thing that never changes is family. Being home is the best feeling in the world, and as finally fall to sleep, a smile comes a crossed my face; Home is where the heart is.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
It's a crazy thing, coming home from college. To the naked eye nothing has changed but emotionally everything is different.
As I pass my old high school that held so many of my memories I realize that I am nothing but a memory to GCS, and the Greene community in a whole. I immediately start to get flash backs about the football games (we never won.. but honestly, it was the best social experience around), Dances with your best friends, talent shows where a strange boy wrote a love letter to a beautiful Leah Rochelle, a stage that doesn't only hold dust but my heart, and a PT Cruiser that belonged to a very rotund gay man always dressed in the finest flamingo button up.
When I reach my street I see the big white house with the black shutters I call home. With eagerness I press my foot on the gas pedal and pull into the driveway. Without even thinking twice I bolt out of my car and into to arms of the prettiest girl in the world, Miss Claire Therese, and a feeling of comfort over comes my body; home is where the heart is.
As the greetings start to quiet from my large family, I venture up to my room where Kelly Clarkson once took over every inch of my walls. There is my bed, there is my TV, there is my dresser, but something didn't feel right. I quickly through my clothes on the floor, and then I felt better.
Dinner came next and the amazing smell of my mom’s cooking filled my senses. NO COLLEGE FOOD FOR THIS KID! It was good to sit down with the family again and talk about our days. I missed Evans laugh and Mom's whit. I missed Dad's bad jokes and Claire’s smile. I even missed Seamus, the dumbest dog in the universe.
Night time crept in and my bed started to call my name. As I lay down I gaze out my window at the stop light as I watch the cars drive by. Slowly I start to doze off; reminiscing about the amazing feeling this house gives me.
I realized that no matter how long you are away, how far you may go, or how often you call, the one thing that never changes is family. Being home is the best feeling in the world, and as finally fall to sleep, a smile comes a crossed my face; Home is where the heart is.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Friday, February 1, 2008
A Blast From the Past
Your's truly at the tender age of 3.
Ariel and I would make beautiful merbabies! :]
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
one, two, three, BAHHHHHHH!
Falling asleep is overrated. It seems no matter how hard I try, nothing ever works. I count sheep and get pissed off, I sing a song in hope I doze off but then find it more annoying than helpful, and I try to watch TV but soon get a headache from the bright lights. Maybe it's the 2 hour nap I had today, or the 34759837291 different things running through my mind. I don't know how many times I have tried and tried to escape my life through sleep, but just found it an impossible task.
Here's a preview to what's up in my noggin. I'm afraid. Yes that was very vague and probably unfair on all sorts of levels, but it's true. I'm afraid of life, I'm afraid of school, and most importantly I'm afraid of love.
There is nothing scarier than opening yourself up to someone in hopes they do the same in return. I've had bad experiences with dating, relationships, friends ect.. and it has left me with the battle wounds to prove it. Countless times I would pour heart out on the table thinking the person on the other end actually cared, and sadly found out that I was nothing but an annoying fly disrupting the room.
Depression has always been like my sidekick. No matter what I do or where I go it always follows me, and let me tell you...it's quite the bitch. Fine one second, then KAAAAZAHMMMM I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and cry. Maybe it's my age, maybe its society, but one thing is certain, it's become part of me.
When I finally let someone in I hold nothing back. My best friend Leah knows exactly what I am talking about. I may look like I have it all under control on the outside, but when you dig under my skin and find my heart; you see it's a big ol' mess.
What's the cure? If it's a drug, give me the prescription. If it's a place, book me the first flight there. If it's a certain person, please please pleeeeeeease send them my way. I have nothing to lose and so much to gain.
My darling LAK has helped me realize that I am truly not alone. Being a freshman I learned the hard way that someone may seem your best friend one day, and your worst enemy the next (I still haven’t forgiven you..). Sure you find people that are good to joke with, and people that are good to party with, but LAK hasn't only related to me on a mental level but a spiritual level as well. She knows the right songs to help me through, and the corny jokes that always make me chuckle. Could she be my saving grace that I have been praying for at this school? Only time will tell, but I feel she's the real deal.
So back to the uncomfortable bed with the loud heater. Back to the student. Back to the friend. Back to the hiding.
This blog is really wonderful you know that. It allows me to escape and feel that maybe out there someone is reading everything I am writing right now, and truly cares. Hi! <--Thought I would be polite and greet you personally :]
Something tells me it's ok to sleep now..
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Here's a preview to what's up in my noggin. I'm afraid. Yes that was very vague and probably unfair on all sorts of levels, but it's true. I'm afraid of life, I'm afraid of school, and most importantly I'm afraid of love.
There is nothing scarier than opening yourself up to someone in hopes they do the same in return. I've had bad experiences with dating, relationships, friends ect.. and it has left me with the battle wounds to prove it. Countless times I would pour heart out on the table thinking the person on the other end actually cared, and sadly found out that I was nothing but an annoying fly disrupting the room.
Depression has always been like my sidekick. No matter what I do or where I go it always follows me, and let me tell you...it's quite the bitch. Fine one second, then KAAAAZAHMMMM I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and cry. Maybe it's my age, maybe its society, but one thing is certain, it's become part of me.
When I finally let someone in I hold nothing back. My best friend Leah knows exactly what I am talking about. I may look like I have it all under control on the outside, but when you dig under my skin and find my heart; you see it's a big ol' mess.
What's the cure? If it's a drug, give me the prescription. If it's a place, book me the first flight there. If it's a certain person, please please pleeeeeeease send them my way. I have nothing to lose and so much to gain.
My darling LAK has helped me realize that I am truly not alone. Being a freshman I learned the hard way that someone may seem your best friend one day, and your worst enemy the next (I still haven’t forgiven you..). Sure you find people that are good to joke with, and people that are good to party with, but LAK hasn't only related to me on a mental level but a spiritual level as well. She knows the right songs to help me through, and the corny jokes that always make me chuckle. Could she be my saving grace that I have been praying for at this school? Only time will tell, but I feel she's the real deal.
So back to the uncomfortable bed with the loud heater. Back to the student. Back to the friend. Back to the hiding.
This blog is really wonderful you know that. It allows me to escape and feel that maybe out there someone is reading everything I am writing right now, and truly cares. Hi! <--Thought I would be polite and greet you personally :]
Something tells me it's ok to sleep now..
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Overature/Prologue
So here's the deal kids--
The name is Drew and my life is pretty much the biggest drama fest filled with laughs, tears, and random trips here and there. I'm at college right now and i hate it. I try and I try everyday to look at things in a positive matter, but after a homosexual Latino man dressed in skin tight size 14 girl pants, starts snapping, clapping, and vogueing in your face, it gets hard to hold on to the light.
I spend most of my days writing and listing to music that captures my whole body and soul. Now don't think I'm emo or anything.. i mean honestly that shit is over rated, and to be honest, i don't look to cute in black.
I'm gay... SURPRISE! haha or not.. really it's not that hard to figure out. If you ever meet someone who doesn't wear sweat pants to class, does their hair everyday, matches their clothing, and actually complements a woman's outfit not because they want to bang the shit out of her, well chances are they're gay.
I always enjoy the age old question "HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN?!" Honestly though, I've always been gay since i can remember. The Little Mermaid was my bible, not because Ariel looked fierce in her bikini but rather I wished I could be her. You can imagine the entertainment I gave the babysitters. :]
Show tunes are my secret pleasure and chances are if you catch me listening to my ipod, some musical will be blasting my ear drums.
I want to do something big for this world, and I have a gut feeling that I will. Through writing, singing, acting, or even a simple smile, I know my name will be one to remember.
Anywho-- This is my new drug, so don't be a stranger and allow me to pull back the curtains to my life :]
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
The name is Drew and my life is pretty much the biggest drama fest filled with laughs, tears, and random trips here and there. I'm at college right now and i hate it. I try and I try everyday to look at things in a positive matter, but after a homosexual Latino man dressed in skin tight size 14 girl pants, starts snapping, clapping, and vogueing in your face, it gets hard to hold on to the light.
I spend most of my days writing and listing to music that captures my whole body and soul. Now don't think I'm emo or anything.. i mean honestly that shit is over rated, and to be honest, i don't look to cute in black.
I'm gay... SURPRISE! haha or not.. really it's not that hard to figure out. If you ever meet someone who doesn't wear sweat pants to class, does their hair everyday, matches their clothing, and actually complements a woman's outfit not because they want to bang the shit out of her, well chances are they're gay.
I always enjoy the age old question "HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN?!" Honestly though, I've always been gay since i can remember. The Little Mermaid was my bible, not because Ariel looked fierce in her bikini but rather I wished I could be her. You can imagine the entertainment I gave the babysitters. :]
Show tunes are my secret pleasure and chances are if you catch me listening to my ipod, some musical will be blasting my ear drums.
I want to do something big for this world, and I have a gut feeling that I will. Through writing, singing, acting, or even a simple smile, I know my name will be one to remember.
Anywho-- This is my new drug, so don't be a stranger and allow me to pull back the curtains to my life :]
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
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