Falling asleep is overrated. It seems no matter how hard I try, nothing ever works. I count sheep and get pissed off, I sing a song in hope I doze off but then find it more annoying than helpful, and I try to watch TV but soon get a headache from the bright lights. Maybe it's the 2 hour nap I had today, or the 34759837291 different things running through my mind. I don't know how many times I have tried and tried to escape my life through sleep, but just found it an impossible task.
Here's a preview to what's up in my noggin. I'm afraid. Yes that was very vague and probably unfair on all sorts of levels, but it's true. I'm afraid of life, I'm afraid of school, and most importantly I'm afraid of love.
There is nothing scarier than opening yourself up to someone in hopes they do the same in return. I've had bad experiences with dating, relationships, friends ect.. and it has left me with the battle wounds to prove it. Countless times I would pour heart out on the table thinking the person on the other end actually cared, and sadly found out that I was nothing but an annoying fly disrupting the room.
Depression has always been like my sidekick. No matter what I do or where I go it always follows me, and let me tell you...it's quite the bitch. Fine one second, then KAAAAZAHMMMM I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and cry. Maybe it's my age, maybe its society, but one thing is certain, it's become part of me.
When I finally let someone in I hold nothing back. My best friend Leah knows exactly what I am talking about. I may look like I have it all under control on the outside, but when you dig under my skin and find my heart; you see it's a big ol' mess.
What's the cure? If it's a drug, give me the prescription. If it's a place, book me the first flight there. If it's a certain person, please please pleeeeeeease send them my way. I have nothing to lose and so much to gain.
My darling LAK has helped me realize that I am truly not alone. Being a freshman I learned the hard way that someone may seem your best friend one day, and your worst enemy the next (I still haven’t forgiven you..). Sure you find people that are good to joke with, and people that are good to party with, but LAK hasn't only related to me on a mental level but a spiritual level as well. She knows the right songs to help me through, and the corny jokes that always make me chuckle. Could she be my saving grace that I have been praying for at this school? Only time will tell, but I feel she's the real deal.
So back to the uncomfortable bed with the loud heater. Back to the student. Back to the friend. Back to the hiding.
This blog is really wonderful you know that. It allows me to escape and feel that maybe out there someone is reading everything I am writing right now, and truly cares. Hi! <--Thought I would be polite and greet you personally :]
Something tells me it's ok to sleep now..
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
2 comments:
"Love- is this something we can learn to do again, and if so, when will that time arrive, even on a bad day? When do you know when something is becoming something that changes you?...When do you learn that the world, like any diner worth its salt, is open twenty-four hours a day?"
- from the book Adverbs by Daniel Handler
I hope you sleep well!
Okay…so I just got done reading both of your blogs and I'm pretty sure you couldn't have said it any better. Your stories definitely had a huge impact on me and opened my eyes to realize that I relate a lot to you Drew... :(
At the end of most days I can't wait just to get in my bed, curl up, and escape from all of the hurt and pain my heart has gone through…I try to fall asleep, just to end the day and hope for a better one tomorrow...but it's never possible. I find myself laying there pondering on what I did or do wrong, and a great deal of the time I end up just crying myself to sleep.
Love has always been one of my biggest fears in life. Every relationship that I have been in, I am always the one who gets hurt. I tend to be the person who puts more into the relationship than is given back, and just end up caring more about the person and the relationship than they do. I guess my down fall in relationships are trusting the other person way too easily and allowing them to open my heart without thinking twice. I’ve been so hurt, torn, and stabbed in the back in the past, that now I don’t even know where to turn. At this point, I am too scared to even try to love again. I feel as though I need to protect myself now and not open myself completely to anyone anymore. But then is that fair to them? I don’t know who I can trust with my heart anymore. Why am I so scared?, I ask myself. The answer…well…I was in love before…ONCE...and that ONE time I handed over my heart along with the key for them to keep, it just blew up in my face. It was the worst feeling in the world to know that I had given someone every last piece of me, just for it crumble in the palm of my hand…watching everything that I tried holding onto and never let go, slip right through my fingertips and slowly fade away right in front of my eyes……….
I go through every day with a smile on my face, laughing, and looking perfectly fine on the outside but like they always say, “it’s what’s on the inside that counts,” yet no one can see that part of me…no one can visually see all the pieces of my heart that I have tried to glue back together, or the half stuck bandages scattered over my heart in hopes of covering all the bruises it has encountered in the past. I try so hard every day to avoid of thinking about the hurt and pain my heart has been put through, yet it is a constant reminder and is always in the back of my mind. I keep so much bottled up inside and think to myself…everyone has their own problems, who wants to sit there and listen to me go on and on about my problems? Well writing is the best way for me to get things out and express myself, so I want to thank you Drew. I want to thank you for opening my eyes to the fact that I am not the only one going through pain and hurt. I want you to know that I will always be here for you… whether it be to talk to, to cry to, or just to sit here and listen to you.
So let’s be positive and confident that we will both make it through this hurt and pain…that we will eventually find true happiness down the line. Life is an enormous puzzle…there are a bunch of pieces that need to be put together. They may not always fit together or line up right way...it may take time for all the pieces to fall right into place. With every struggle we have gone through, every time we’ve been hurt in the past, we have learned from it, and in the mist of all that have collected pieces of the puzzle that leads us one step closer in revealing the picture behind it all. Never lose faith. Never lose hope. “Everything Happens For a Reason.”
-Dani Pendlebury :)
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