I'm slowly spinning out of control..
who am i anymore?
djm
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
baby falling from your mouth.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_CrRo33q9k
I cried.
I'm crying.
Changed my life.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm
I cried.
I'm crying.
Changed my life.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm
Or are we ashes and wine?
So I am sitting here on my floor and I can’t stop talking to myself about last night. Fuck. I never really knew how real this was until last night.
My hands are still shaking as I write this right now. I’m scared. I’ve been told that the hardest thing and the right thing are the same, but I mean.. I’m just 19. You’re just 19. What are we supposed to really know about life? When do we draw the line in the sand and finally ask for help. One thing I do know, is I don’t want to lose the one thing that means the most to me, LAK.
You have held my hand, smiled when I cried, and laughed when I drunkenly danced to the Pussy Cat Dolls. Know god please know how much I love you and how much you mean to me.
Keep holding on. Don’t do what I have done. Don’t be me. Flirting with life isn’t worth it. When its gone, it’s gone. The trees, the air, your family, everything sealed up like a shrine, and you are nothing but a memory.
Someone once told me to always look up and no matter what happens the drowning will stop, and you will learn how to swim again. I’ve been there. I understand. Your lungs are caving in. Your heart has nothing left to give. You’re shrinking, you’re failing, you’re dying.
Fear is only fear if you let if happen, so don’t you dare let go of my hand. We can get through this, all you need to do is just keep holding. I’m not going anywhere. You and me, me and you, everyday always.
I love you best friend.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm
My hands are still shaking as I write this right now. I’m scared. I’ve been told that the hardest thing and the right thing are the same, but I mean.. I’m just 19. You’re just 19. What are we supposed to really know about life? When do we draw the line in the sand and finally ask for help. One thing I do know, is I don’t want to lose the one thing that means the most to me, LAK.
You have held my hand, smiled when I cried, and laughed when I drunkenly danced to the Pussy Cat Dolls. Know god please know how much I love you and how much you mean to me.
Keep holding on. Don’t do what I have done. Don’t be me. Flirting with life isn’t worth it. When its gone, it’s gone. The trees, the air, your family, everything sealed up like a shrine, and you are nothing but a memory.
Someone once told me to always look up and no matter what happens the drowning will stop, and you will learn how to swim again. I’ve been there. I understand. Your lungs are caving in. Your heart has nothing left to give. You’re shrinking, you’re failing, you’re dying.
Fear is only fear if you let if happen, so don’t you dare let go of my hand. We can get through this, all you need to do is just keep holding. I’m not going anywhere. You and me, me and you, everyday always.
I love you best friend.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Well this blows.
Story of my life. Sorry it has taken me so long to write here.. I've been beyond busy and its hard for me to even find time to breath.
Alot of different things have happened to me though and i find it only fair for me to share them with all of you of course.. :]
Sooooo my first year of college is done! Crazy I know.
Its an understatement when someone says time flies by, because literally time got on a jet plane and peaced out leaving me breathless and confused. I'm an orientation leader now at Bonas and I love it. It gives me hope that everything is going to OK when i come back to school here in the fall (i really hope it does.. ).
Orientation probably couldn't have come at a better time in my life. Once again when i was back at home i was hit by the depression bug, and this time i was hit hard. There is nothing worse than feeling your life sucked out of you through one of those cheap straws that comes with Capri Suns. I constantly am comparing myself to others and really i dont neeed to. I was thinking about it the other day, and i must be soooooooooo annoying because i spend probably half of my day bashing myself to other people. If i were my freinds i would have given me the deuces and told me to kick gravel a looooooooong time ago. It seems once i have everything in place, its everything but balanced. moral of the story: Life blows.
However, all the kids that are on O-team and all the incoming freshman and giving me hope that things will get alot better, and they will, i'll make them :]
But bad news on the love front... I am now single. Now please everyone say it with me FUCK MY LIFE. <-- feels good feeling sorry for yourself huh? Well I think so anyways. Everything seemed so perfect, almost to the point where i would get nervous because if something did go wrong then i wouldnt be able to know what to do with myself, however, like Ponyboy once said in The Outsiders "Nothing gold can stay."
I hate this part... you know the awkward silence, the quiet tone, and the constant apologizing. Just stop. I'm a big kid, i understand when you fuck me over. But finding out through a text message, and with your ex? Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh. ding ding ding we've found a winner! I dont care what anyone says but you dont just "hang out " with an ex. Its impossible. So lets not play dumb and beat around the bush:
I lost.
Im lost.
But with you i thought things were different. I brought you home. You met my family. You hung out with my friends. You said I love you. If my life was a board game i probably just went bankrupt and lost all of my property, because i was truly played. I completely understand the whole "you can't help who you love" but thats whats hard... Because I love you.
So here i am sitting on my bottom bunk as my roommate snores peacefully. But before i want to say one more thing... peculiar. Yeah i know, that word is so inappropriate for any situation that i just wrote about but tis my life. One big ol pot of peculiar-ness. I wonder who stirs my pot though.. I hope there pretty. :]
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Alot of different things have happened to me though and i find it only fair for me to share them with all of you of course.. :]
Sooooo my first year of college is done! Crazy I know.
Its an understatement when someone says time flies by, because literally time got on a jet plane and peaced out leaving me breathless and confused. I'm an orientation leader now at Bonas and I love it. It gives me hope that everything is going to OK when i come back to school here in the fall (i really hope it does.. ).
Orientation probably couldn't have come at a better time in my life. Once again when i was back at home i was hit by the depression bug, and this time i was hit hard. There is nothing worse than feeling your life sucked out of you through one of those cheap straws that comes with Capri Suns. I constantly am comparing myself to others and really i dont neeed to. I was thinking about it the other day, and i must be soooooooooo annoying because i spend probably half of my day bashing myself to other people. If i were my freinds i would have given me the deuces and told me to kick gravel a looooooooong time ago. It seems once i have everything in place, its everything but balanced. moral of the story: Life blows.
However, all the kids that are on O-team and all the incoming freshman and giving me hope that things will get alot better, and they will, i'll make them :]
But bad news on the love front... I am now single. Now please everyone say it with me FUCK MY LIFE. <-- feels good feeling sorry for yourself huh? Well I think so anyways. Everything seemed so perfect, almost to the point where i would get nervous because if something did go wrong then i wouldnt be able to know what to do with myself, however, like Ponyboy once said in The Outsiders "Nothing gold can stay."
I hate this part... you know the awkward silence, the quiet tone, and the constant apologizing. Just stop. I'm a big kid, i understand when you fuck me over. But finding out through a text message, and with your ex? Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh. ding ding ding we've found a winner! I dont care what anyone says but you dont just "hang out " with an ex. Its impossible. So lets not play dumb and beat around the bush:
I lost.
Im lost.
But with you i thought things were different. I brought you home. You met my family. You hung out with my friends. You said I love you. If my life was a board game i probably just went bankrupt and lost all of my property, because i was truly played. I completely understand the whole "you can't help who you love" but thats whats hard... Because I love you.
So here i am sitting on my bottom bunk as my roommate snores peacefully. But before i want to say one more thing... peculiar. Yeah i know, that word is so inappropriate for any situation that i just wrote about but tis my life. One big ol pot of peculiar-ness. I wonder who stirs my pot though.. I hope there pretty. :]
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
"You're So Gay!"
So I was going through different things on my computer and i came acrossed an article i wrote on the gay community. Hope you like it!!!<3
A normal night at the University of Wyoming, Matthew Shepard, a homosexual student, went to the local gay bar where he enjoyed a drink. Not soon after arriving Matthew was approached by two men, Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson. Both of these men told Matthew they were gay and asked Matthew if he wanted to go get something to eat with them. Matthew, being known as a charismatic person that loved making new friends, kindly obliged and left with Aaron and Russell. However, Aaron and Russell had other plans for Matthew that night.
Aaron and Russell took Matthew to a remote area in Laramie, where they tied Matthew up and to a split-rail fence and committed the ultimate hate crime. Matthew was beaten to unconsciousness by Aaron and Russell because of his sexual preference. Matthew was found eighteen hours later by a pedestrian who mistook him for a scarecrow, and died in the hospital later that day due to dramatic head trauma.
The Matthew Shepard story took the world by surprise. Gay rights were never brought up by anyone, but what happened to Matthew Shepard forced everyone to look at homosexual discrimination for the first time. However, ten years later, there are still hate crimes and non
acceptance of gay men and women everywhere, especially to teenagers and young adults within their school environments.
A recent study done by Harvard University states that 55% of discrimination acts are towards people based on their sexual orientation; also, 13% of these acts were fatal. Leah Barden, a student at Broome Community College, was surprised by this statistic. “I always thought of discrimination to be a black and white thing, never based on sexual orientation. This just goes to show how blind our society really is,” Barden says.
Our society has experienced many different forms of discrimination; however, they all seem to get over looked by black and white discrimination. Like Barden stated, many people are surprised the find out that the leading form of discrimination is homosexual discrimination. This is because our media over looks all other forms of discrimination and concentrate on skin color. If someone was to say the word “Nigger” to a black person, it would be front page news, but the terms “Fag” “Dyke” or “You’re so gay” goes unrecognized and unpunished in our society. “It’s slang. We all say it. It’s like second nature to everyone,” Morgan Ribar, a student at St Bonaventure University, states. “It really is unfair if you think about it, but we never are really taught about gay people in school, when there are specific classes on black rights.”
Being a gay male at college, I have learned quickly that I am now a minority and get looked at differently in every aspect no matter where I am. I feel that I need to hide myself sometimes just so I get the same fair treatment from all of my fellow students and professors. Trust is a very hard thing for me and so is accepting myself.
I’ve known I was gay since the day I was born and contrary to popular belief; I did not choose this lifestyle and would not wish it on anyone. Society made me feel that being gay was a bad thing, so I struggled with who I was for a long time. I would go into deep depressions and randomly would shake and cry. In school, I felt isolated from my classmates and really hated myself. At one point, I almost turned to suicide to try and solve my problems. If being a teenager wasn’t hard enough, I was different from everyone else and it really killed me inside.
Finally, I couldn’t take the pain anymore and I came out to my friends and family. The day I came out was the first day I can truly say I lived. The simple things in life like washing my hands or waking up seemed so much more amazing than they had before. I could finally allow myself to feel things and not run away from my fears but face them head on.
Coming to college I thought everyone would be open minded about all forms of identity, however, things didn’t go as planned. My roommate and I started out as good friends but after a while things started to change. He grew very distant and didn’t say a word to me when we passed each other in the halls. After a few weeks of this going on, I went to confront him in our room. When I entered I found all of his things packed up in brown boxes and I immediately started to sweat. He shortly came into the room I asked him what was going on. He simply responded with “you’re gay” grabbed his box, and walked out the door. When I heard those simple two words, my stomach dropped to the floor and so did my heart. There I stood, in front of someone I thought was my friend, being discriminated against because of something as small as my sexual orientation.
I feel everyone needs to be more informed about homosexual discrimination because it is a serious topic that often gets over looked. The number one reason as to why teenagers are committing suicide is because of their problems with their sexual identity, and if you ask me, that is a big deal.
Will it take another gay person being found on a fence, and beaten to death to open the eyes of America? Towns, cities, schools, and universities need to take homosexual discrimination into serious account. Who knows, maybe the next Matthew Shepard will be your neighbor, student, friend, son, or daughter.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
A normal night at the University of Wyoming, Matthew Shepard, a homosexual student, went to the local gay bar where he enjoyed a drink. Not soon after arriving Matthew was approached by two men, Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson. Both of these men told Matthew they were gay and asked Matthew if he wanted to go get something to eat with them. Matthew, being known as a charismatic person that loved making new friends, kindly obliged and left with Aaron and Russell. However, Aaron and Russell had other plans for Matthew that night.
Aaron and Russell took Matthew to a remote area in Laramie, where they tied Matthew up and to a split-rail fence and committed the ultimate hate crime. Matthew was beaten to unconsciousness by Aaron and Russell because of his sexual preference. Matthew was found eighteen hours later by a pedestrian who mistook him for a scarecrow, and died in the hospital later that day due to dramatic head trauma.
The Matthew Shepard story took the world by surprise. Gay rights were never brought up by anyone, but what happened to Matthew Shepard forced everyone to look at homosexual discrimination for the first time. However, ten years later, there are still hate crimes and non
acceptance of gay men and women everywhere, especially to teenagers and young adults within their school environments.
A recent study done by Harvard University states that 55% of discrimination acts are towards people based on their sexual orientation; also, 13% of these acts were fatal. Leah Barden, a student at Broome Community College, was surprised by this statistic. “I always thought of discrimination to be a black and white thing, never based on sexual orientation. This just goes to show how blind our society really is,” Barden says.
Our society has experienced many different forms of discrimination; however, they all seem to get over looked by black and white discrimination. Like Barden stated, many people are surprised the find out that the leading form of discrimination is homosexual discrimination. This is because our media over looks all other forms of discrimination and concentrate on skin color. If someone was to say the word “Nigger” to a black person, it would be front page news, but the terms “Fag” “Dyke” or “You’re so gay” goes unrecognized and unpunished in our society. “It’s slang. We all say it. It’s like second nature to everyone,” Morgan Ribar, a student at St Bonaventure University, states. “It really is unfair if you think about it, but we never are really taught about gay people in school, when there are specific classes on black rights.”
Being a gay male at college, I have learned quickly that I am now a minority and get looked at differently in every aspect no matter where I am. I feel that I need to hide myself sometimes just so I get the same fair treatment from all of my fellow students and professors. Trust is a very hard thing for me and so is accepting myself.
I’ve known I was gay since the day I was born and contrary to popular belief; I did not choose this lifestyle and would not wish it on anyone. Society made me feel that being gay was a bad thing, so I struggled with who I was for a long time. I would go into deep depressions and randomly would shake and cry. In school, I felt isolated from my classmates and really hated myself. At one point, I almost turned to suicide to try and solve my problems. If being a teenager wasn’t hard enough, I was different from everyone else and it really killed me inside.
Finally, I couldn’t take the pain anymore and I came out to my friends and family. The day I came out was the first day I can truly say I lived. The simple things in life like washing my hands or waking up seemed so much more amazing than they had before. I could finally allow myself to feel things and not run away from my fears but face them head on.
Coming to college I thought everyone would be open minded about all forms of identity, however, things didn’t go as planned. My roommate and I started out as good friends but after a while things started to change. He grew very distant and didn’t say a word to me when we passed each other in the halls. After a few weeks of this going on, I went to confront him in our room. When I entered I found all of his things packed up in brown boxes and I immediately started to sweat. He shortly came into the room I asked him what was going on. He simply responded with “you’re gay” grabbed his box, and walked out the door. When I heard those simple two words, my stomach dropped to the floor and so did my heart. There I stood, in front of someone I thought was my friend, being discriminated against because of something as small as my sexual orientation.
I feel everyone needs to be more informed about homosexual discrimination because it is a serious topic that often gets over looked. The number one reason as to why teenagers are committing suicide is because of their problems with their sexual identity, and if you ask me, that is a big deal.
Will it take another gay person being found on a fence, and beaten to death to open the eyes of America? Towns, cities, schools, and universities need to take homosexual discrimination into serious account. Who knows, maybe the next Matthew Shepard will be your neighbor, student, friend, son, or daughter.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
djm.
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